Women and Bad Boys: What

Is The Attraction?

"Bad Boys".

If you're a woman, you may be saying "hmmm" as you hear

these words. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself.

There is just SOMETHING about these guys that draws you

in, even as your head tells you to "beware"!

So, what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily

that they are more physically attractive or smarter or more successful

than the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these qualities, yet

be harder to resist.

So what is it? Let's begin by defining these guys. This

term is generally applied to males who treat women poorly. Do these

behaviors ring a bell?

*calling at 8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if you want to

get together

*not showing up for a date- followed by no phone call or

apology

*never having any money when you are out

* forgetting or ignoring your birthday and other important

dates

*flirting openly with other women when you are together

*hitting on your good friend(s)

*making booty calls at 1am, after they've had a night out

with others

*is doing time for a serious felony

Instead of asking "what is it about these guys"; let's

instead examine what it is about the women who can't resist them. The

following are actual statements from women who have a history of

attraction to these guys. See if any of these sound familiar.

* "It's never BORING with him. He's unpredictable and

exciting."

* "He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe

with him."

* "It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life

together."

* "I haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the way he

does."

* "He's so charming and passionate."

* "He tells me how much he likes me, so he must really

feel something for me."

* "He needs me."

* "He doesn't come across as needy and desperate."

* "I can't believe I've attracted someone like him."

Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign. We all

seek at least some of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's the

problem?

Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's

fundamental needs. She is the one doing all (or most) of the giving. The

question then lies in; "what's in it for her?"

The answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:

*level of self-esteem

*capacity for intimacy

*roles that she has been in throughout her life

If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate

who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued

and respected. She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive

self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy,

reciprocal relationship.

If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses

someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.

If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the

true availability of the other person. She wants him to be a full and

active participant in the relationship. She can allow herself to be open,

vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive all that true intimacy

offers.

If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is

distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically

available.

If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships

since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she can continue this

healthy interaction.

If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer,

caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this will

probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships.

Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these

issues. So the task is to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a

course of action that will help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your

senses and meets your needs while being truly available for a real

relationship.

Begin with an assessment of what you value most in life

and cannot live without.

Go to

http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm

for an article on

"clarifying and living your values".

Once you know what is most important to you and believe

that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step

towards finding the right partner for you.

Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and

relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. As a recognized

expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications

including: The Chicago Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and

Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on

ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly

contributing commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO),

Toni offers dating tips and relationship advice in response to listener

feedback. Toni founded Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the

knowledge and tools they need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love

relationships. She is a member of The International Coach Federation, and

The International Association Of Coaches.